10th Feb-

Today was a big appointments day for me. I spent most of the day in the hospital and at the doctors. I feel quite exhausted and helpless at the moment, like I really want to just eat and get better and stop worrying everyone around me but for some reason, every time I go to go get some food I freak out and put it away. How  do I explain it. I like to say I have 2 seperate voices in my head, one is my own voice and reasoning |, and the other voice is the anorexia, called Ed. Usually, when I’m in proper recovery and eating decent meals and fueling myself, Ed has less power over me, because I have my brain functioning properly to tell the thoughts to get lost. However, when I am restricting, my brain loses all power to fight back essentially. So right now let’s just say Ed is extra loud. He controls everything I do, whether its go for a walk, or when I have a shower, or what I eat and when I eat etc. Right now, the way I would describe it is- think of a perfectly healthy brain. It kinda looks like a sponge and in most pictures, it’s pink. My brain,  has these long black tentacles wrapping itself around every nerve, every neuron. It’s infecting my brain, and that black tentacles looking thing is Ed. The first time I got sick, I would say Ed maybe managed to wrap a couple tentacles out, but not too many as I still felt somewhat in control, I could eat certain things still like ice cream etc, Ed wasn’t too tightly wrapped. When I was in the hospital, weirdly Ed was the quietest he’s ever been. He didn’t make a fuss at a single meal or anything. It genuinely got to the point where I was wondering if I even had an eating disorder. The number on the scale would go up and I would genuinely feel nothing. I was so confused, why make all this fuss in the outside world, but all of a sudden when Im forced to actually do the one thing I dreaded the most, he was so quiet? 

 

Last year in my relapse after my trip to Europe, Ed had wrapped a lot of tentacles around my brain. He was making me do new things, like purging, and more exercising. I couldn’t even eat dinner anymore, I could only manage fruit and sometimes yoghurt. 

 

Now, I would say Ed has almost gotten into every crevice of my brain. My brain feels like it’s suffocating, and I can’t see anything but black. Every decision I make goes through Ed. Ed is being brutal this time round. I physically can’t manage anything more than some yoghurt and sugar free hot chocolates. When I speak to my doctor, and my physiciatrist, there’s no getting through to me. When my sister tries to talk to me it’s useless. They may as well be talking to a black wall. A non responsive blank wall. I don’t even feel present in my everyday life anymore. I genuinely feel like I am a ghost right now. I have no energy to be myself, I can’t remember anything anyone tells me, I can’t drive anywhere, I actually feel like a real life zombie. My brain is now Ed’s brain. I have actually been fully hijacked by my own eating disorder, like what the helly. 

 

The one main thing I feel right now is guilt. I feel so guilty for letting my family down again. It breaks my heart to see my sister so worried and stressed about me, and it angers me even that can’t snap me out of it. Hell even the thought of dying can’t snap me out of it. Im at a point right now where death seems like the easy way out. It would be so quiet and peaceful. I think that’s where Ed wants me to be. Well actually I know that’s where Ed wants me to be. Ed wants me to die, and Im getting to the point where Im starting to think maybe I want to die too? Anyway. That’s my head right now. Im starving, all I can think about is food and what I want to eat, the number on the scale and how I want to die. I honestly live a thrilling life really. 

 

I met with the head of the ward today, the ward I was hospitalised in. He told me if things keep going the way they are, Im going straight back to the ward. I almost started crying. That ward gives me insane PTSD I hate it there. And now I probably will be going back. Again. I think this is where I say fuck my fucking chungus life. 

Anyway, that’s all for today. Come back next time xo 

 

- Ed

 

 

10th Feb - again but at night time.

Hey so Im actually sick of pretending like Im okay. Im so sick of lying all the time and telling people Im okay and that’s there’s nothin to worry about to protect them of the truth of the situation. It’s ALWAYS to protect them. I very rarely talk about my real feelings in my head, and least of all talk about how I might be admitted into hospital at any point in time, I hide it. I lie and say I’ve go it under control, or Im going to make a plan today, or worst case i’ll just go back to the ward and they’ll force me to eat. No. Never. Im ashamed of it. Im ashamed of myself. There are real sick people in those hospitals and wards, and yet I am there because a voice in my head wont let me eat??? How does anyone explain that to anyone?? I just don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t keep lying and pretending im okay and laughing when im dying inside, and hanging out with everyone and acting happy but in reality my mind wants me to die. And I think I want that too now. I don’t remember the last time I haven’t gone to bed sober also. That’s another issue im currently experiencing. I think I could be an addict. Fuck my fucking chungus life. I wish I could take my brain out and rip Eds tentacles off one by one. I wish I could crush them with my hands and throw them far into the ocean. And he would die and I would be free. 

 

But since I can’t actually do that, here’s a list of things I would do if I could do that, and Ed died…..

  • Order a huge dominos pizza with all the toppings and sauces ever and eat the whole thing. With fries on the side. 
  • Take my sister out for a coffee and an almond croissant at the cafe in hagley park, because I promised her one day when I recovered I would. 
  • Fly back to italy, and try the carbonara, and tiramisu. 
  • I would run a 10km race with my dad again, because I promised we would run again together when I was recovered, and fuelled myself properly for it. 
  • Go and get a whole block of whittakers caramello, and cadburys caramel slice chocolate and a tub of cookie dough ben and jerry’s ice cream. Then get high and eat it all
  • I would go bar hopping and try cocktails from every bar on the street in town with my sister and my friends 
  • I would bake my famous brownie and M&M cookies and eat them. Both heated with vanilla ice cream. 
  • I would go get a huge rice ball from sushi ball house and devour it. no words. I honestly think sushi ball house could probably cure my ED, Like genuinely put that in front of me and watch me just fold. lol. 

 

Anyway, there’s my list of what I would do if Ed died right now. But moral of this part of the day is that I am sick of pretending I am okay. I am not okay. I am miserable, I don’t know who I am anymore, I have no self worth at all, I feel disgusting and ugly all of the time, I’ve never hated myself more than I do right now, I’ve lost my personality and all my energy to be myself. Im not okay. I need help. I need someone to see me screaming for help. I just think it’s too late to save me now. Eds steering my boat now. He wouldn’t let me accept help. Especially not food help. You would have to shove a tube down my throat while holding me back from ripping it out to get me to eat something proper right now. I am the definition of completely fucked. Oh, and did I also mention I start uni next week? 

 

 

 

11th Feb-

Im starting to get scared. Scared of myself. I am starving myself like I’ve never starved myself before. I don’t even feel hunger anymore, I just feel numb. Like a weightless dust that’s kinda there but kinda not. Just drifting away. Im drifting away. I barely remember the people I talk to, I forget everything everyone tells me, it’s getting bad. My brain is shutting down and I am about to start university. Last time I was at this weight I was eating more, I was only losing about 1 kg a week. Im currently down 1kg every 3 days. Its bad. Im scared of myself. Im scared for my heart. It must be so tired, the constant cycle of being starved over and over. I wouldn’t blame it if it gave up on me. Honestly, I’ve given up on myself too. Im done trying. I’ve been fighting for 2 years now. This is never going to leave me. Ed is always going to be there. Even if I do well for a few months, or even years who knows maybe 1 day id skip lunch and boom im in a relapse. I can’t keep living like this anymore. I feel like such a burden. I know my friends don’t want to see this, I hate that they’re seeing it happen. I hate I feel so stuck in this cycle like there’s no way out. 

 

You know how before I was describing Ed as lots of stringy black tentacles wrapping itself around my brain? Well I think that it might be over now. I woke up having made the decision that starving to death is better than living the way I looked. My doctor always asks me every appointment, “ Laura are you suicidal, any suicidal thoughts creeping in” 

And I always say no, but technically isn’t starving myself a form of suicide to? I am actively choosing to die from this illness. I feel horrific for my family. That’s kind of why I made this blog in the first place. Im scared Ed is different this time. He’s never going to leave. He’s with me now. And I think this time I wont be able to fight back. And then maybe this blog will be able to motivate someone to try fight for me. And my family can read this and try to understand I tried. I really did. And im so so tired of trying. Ed wins this one.

 

 

14th Feb- 

Well I’ve been a bit quiet on here lately. I apologise sincerely. I’ve been stuck in hospital for the last few days, and I am unfortunately still here. Do you know what’s so weird? I hate being here. Like genuinely hate it. I have so much FOMO and I just want to go home and be with my friends, I want to chill in my own bed, I hate not being able to leave and do what I want. I feel like almost non human being here. I hate it. But still I don’t want to eat to get better? What’s going on? I wish I could explain it to someone, I feel like every time I say to anyone I hate it here, they all sympathise, but at the same time look at me with confusion, because with what Im doing, Im putting myself back in hospital anyway? I honestly can’t explain it. You’d think being hospitalised on valentine’s day would be enough to knock Ed out of my system, but nope. Eds still here, and honestly as loud as ever. Honestly he’s loving it here. I don’t eat any of the hospital food, the only thing I’ve been managing to eat is some yoghurt my sister has been bringing me in. It’s going great apart from the fact I can’t weigh myself here. Which is kind of stressing me out to be honest. Im scared I’ve put on weight while being in here from all the fluids they’ve been pumping me with. Let’s hope not.

 

I just want to go back to my normal life. I want to go back to being a normal girl, who goes to work and goes to study and eats whenever and has no problems. Im scared Im not going to be able to work for much longer. Which is scary to me, because I just started this new job and Im loving it so far. The last thing I want is to have to quit yet another job. This would be the 3rd job I’ve quit due to Ed. That’s just miserable. I hate myself for it. I finally find something good I really enjoy and love, and genuinely think I could be good at, and boom Im stuck in a relapse again. Great! Oh and another really amazing thing, I think I have to drop out of uni again. Which is just fabulous. At this point Im never graduating. And another amazing thing that comes with that, if I drop out of uni again this year, I don’t get to have my current GP,  lets call her allie, anymore. Which is just absolutely terrifying considering she’s the only one who really knows everything about me and Ed, she knows everything. And Ill have to go to a new GP. Which I can’t stand the thought of. I think that would be so detrimental to me. I just don’t know what to do. I feel so stuck. 

Well that’s it. I just dropped out of university. Again. I honestly give up with myself. I don’t know how to help myself anymore. I don’t think anyone can help me anymore. Im dying slowly, and I think I’ve accepted that. I think a part of me wants that to happen. Then I wont have to feel this pain every second of every day. It’ll be so quiet and peaceful. 

I think I’ve lost my human abilities. I don’t feel feelings properly anymore. I can’t cry. I can’t empathise. When my sister looks at me with fear and pleading in her eyes for me to try, I don’t even react. I just blankly stare at her and look away. Dissociate. I feel like it’s not me in here anymore. It’s Ed now and he doesn’t give a farkkk about anyone or anything. He just wants me to be skinny and when Im skinny enough he’ll let me go. Im not me anymore. She’s lone gone. Do you know the most telling part about that? I don’t want to have sex anymore. And let’s be real, anyone who knows me knows Im like lowkey addicted to sex. I love sex. I honestly crave it. But ever since I got sick again I can’t think of anything worse. That has to be my biggest tell sign that I’ve relapsed. When I don’t have sex anymore it means it’s bad. lol. But anyway, no seriously, it’s bad. I haven’t had sex in almost a month. And have absolutely zero desire to change that. That’s how you know it’s not me in there anymore, it’s all Ed. Ed doesn’t want me to have sex because he doesn’t want other people to see me naked. They’ll think im disgusting, huge and fat. FAT. They’ll be so disgusted they wont want to have sex with me anymore. They’ll be turned off as soon as they see my stomach, my thighs, my arms. I wouldn’t blame them. So ed wont let me get naked for anyone. Ill cover up as much as possible. That’s another thing that’s changed/ The first time I got sick, I almost flaunted myself. I wore revealing skimpy clothes and tops and dresses, showing off my bony arms and legs. This time I hate wearing anything other than sweats. If I can see any skin its a immediate NO. Especially when Im going out on weekends, that’s always a huge struggle battling with Ed on what I should wear. What I can wear that wont make me look fat. God forbid I look fat.

 

 

15th Feb-

Im finally out of hospital! Thank god for that. I hated it so much. The second my nurse took my IV out I was out of there. Couldn’t have left fast enough. I can’t believe I used to actually live in one of those. How the fuck did I survive. Me right now could never. The FOMO and depression I was having from being away from everyone and I was only there for 4 days. Like fuck. I went days in the ward not seeing any of my friends. DAYS. I got visited every day I was in there this time. How the fuck am I going to let that happen to myself again. How come I somehow don’t give a fuck but Im also terrified. I don’t want to lose this new job. I don’t want to leave university for a second time. I don’t want to go back to that place. I have PTSD from hospitals now. Every time Im in one I freak out. You should have seen me when my flatmate said they needed to take me to the hospital. I started bawling. Not a pretty sight. I was so scared they were going to make me eat. Fuck what a joke honestly. The last thing they did was try to get me to eat. I didn’t eat for 4 days and the nurses just said “are you sure you don’t want to eat that?” or “honey just eat”. The most unhelpful ever made comments to someone with an eating disorder. One of the nurses even said straight to my face “how sad” when another nurse told her I had an eating disorder and that’s why I hadn’t touched my food. 

 

It was no good at all. But anyway. I was so happy to get out of there. First thing I did when I got home is hop in the shower and wash every bit of my body, then get baked out of my mind. By the way Im totally high writing this. I feel like I write better when Im stoned sometimes. It worries me that being in hospital like that, away from my friends and stripped from my freedom hasn’t shook me into eating yet. Im still determined to keep losing weight. Im still determined to reach rock bottom. I hate this illness. I hate how it’s taken over my brain. I hate how its made me not me anymore. I hate how it’s all I think about. Im trapped. Stuck. And part of me is terrified of who Im becoming and what Im doing to my body, and the other evil part of me is thrilled that its got its greasy black tentacles wrapped around my entire brain. Im surprised  my eyes are still blue. I feel like I look out at a black glass every day. 

 

Oh but I missed the real first thing I did. I ran upstairs, took all my clothes off, peed, and weighed myself. Yep. The very first thing I did. Did I mention I’ve had anxiety the last few days one of my flatmates took my scale while I was away and when I’d get home it would be gone and I would have no way of weighing myself? I was genuinely stressing about that. I had actual relief on my face when I came home and it was still there. Now my eating disorder has set me a goal weight to hit by the time we come to a huge festival in NZ called electric ave. Now EA is in 2 weeks. I have 2 weeks to get to this goal weight. Im so entwined with Ed now that I’ve chosen my outfits based on the sole fact I hit that weight by EA. How bad is that. Now that I’ve been hospitalised, I’ve realised how little I can get away with eating. I was eating like 2 yoghurts and a few sips of a berry smoothie a day. Nothing else. I was popping off. And so now Ed is thriving of that. Honestly thought I would have lost more weight than I did being in there. I assume its from the litres of fluid they were pumping inside me for 3 days. but anyways.

 

I told my dad the truth about how sick I was getting again the other night. I called him last night. I’ve never seen him so desperate and pained before. He’s so certain he’s got a plan he’ll be able to use to convince me to turn this around. He’s so certain he can fix this, fix me. But he can’t. Can’t he realise that by now? He tried for months. And I still ended up in hospital weeks after he left? I feel bad I really do. But he can’t fix me. And him trying to and coming up with all these plans to motivate me and remind me of how awful it is when Im sick and all the things I can do when Im healthy and all it does is make me angry. And resentful. And I don’t want to be resentful towards my own father. The person I love most in this whole world. 

 

I miss the girl I used to be. I miss how happy and carefree I used to be around food. How much I loved getting take outs, and going to the night markets and trying all these different types of food, and going to the sunday markets and getting the real fruit ice cream every time. I miss that. 

 

16th Feb-

Im quite proud of myself today. I’ve applied for an online bachelors degree at a polytechnic university, and the degree is social health and wellbeing, specialising in mental health and addiction. I am so excited, I really hope they accept me. I think this one is quite personal for me, because it would mean I could work as a support worker for patients in mental health wards. I think I would love that, helping them. And I would be lived experience, so even more valuable to the staff. The fact that its distance as well, so all online for me means it doesn’t matter if I get hospitalised again, I can still continue my study. Which reassures me a lot. 

 

I woke up on a high today, I weighed myself and got quite excited by my progress. However. I know I shouldn’t be, but Ed was very content. I was quite hungry today. I haven’t really felt hunger in days. I didn’t know how to act. I ate slightly more today than I usually do, but that’s okay. Sometimes it’s good for your metabolism to have days where it has slightly more calories. Im scared to talk to my dad about this. It’s so confronting when I talk to him. It makes me so sad. He talks to me like he really believes he can fix me. He looks at me with such hope and it kills me. He thinks Im so much stronger than I really am, he really believes in me. And the one thing I hate most in the world is letting my dad down. But here I am, letting him down again. It’s so shit honestly. Feels like poos. 

 

My friend (let’s call her viv) found out I had relapsed when I landed myself in hospital again. I had keep it hidden from her this whole month, she also has an eating disorder, but shed found out when I told her in hospital. She’s very confronting about it. Her approach to talking to me is very full-on. Constantly asking me if I’ve eaten, what I’ve eaten, if I will eat, etc. It’s very full on. Sometimes it feels like too much. I get so uncomfortable talking about what I’ve eaten and if I’ve eaten. She asks just like it’s a casual thing, almost glamorising the anorexia. I don’t think she quite understands we have different forms of eating disorders. Hers is very loud, she likes to tell people straight away about it, and remind people she has one, and casually talks about her side effects and therapy to do with eating disorders very casually in conversation. Mine is, well silent.  I try to hide a relapse for as long as possible from anyone, I never ever talk about it in conversation, Im super quiet around food situations. And I never bring up my appointments and side effects. I almost get embarrassed and ashamed. If I havent eaten, Im never going to say I actually havent eaten. Mine lies. Im never going to say I didn’t finish something, or Im to  go throw that up, or I’ve just gone  for a run. Ill always lie. To protect Ed. If I say what’s really going on, then people will start inserting themselves, and forcing me to do stuff I don’t want to do, and that’s where friendships strain. And I really don’t want to lose a friend because of my ED. But if my friend ever tried to force me to eat, or tried to stop me from throwing up friendships would be strained. 

 

I feel quite alone in this world at the moment. Last time it was this bad, I had a boyfriend who I told everything about what was going on too, and he was like my rock. I could tell him how I really feel, and he would just listen. Not try and fix me, just listen. It hurts because I feel like i’m going through this one alone. I can’t tell anyone how Im really going. I can’t burden them with my issues when they know they can’t fix me. I’ve cut myself of the dating world at the moment speaking of. That could potentially cause this aloneness I feel but anyway. I have absolutely zero interest in taking to a man right now. They’re honestly all horrible. Three seperate guys sent me an unsolicited dickpic in the span of a week. Like what??? One of them I was actually talking to. I almost cried. It was so off putting and just gave me the fattest ick so I’ve just closed that world off. The last person I slept with also wasn’t a very nice experience, so that doesn’t help. But Ed wont let me start seeing guys in person until I’ve reached a certain weight. He’s told me im unlovable and disgusting and off putting to men with how I look right now. Or at least how I looked a few weeks ago, Im starting to look a bit better, Ed can see progress. So yeah. That’s not great. 

I’ve got a 6 day work week this week. Im stressed as. I hope Im going to be able to do it. Surely. My plan is to have a yoghurt before my shift starts, so I can at least have some sort of blood sugar spike before work. They aren’t short shifts either, Im going right into the big shifts. Will keep you updated how they go, hopefully I don’t land myself in hospital by the end of the week again, that would be shit. 

Im currently taking antibiotics, and the course is very full on. It’s 2 antibiotics 3 times a day, and Im terrified of purging them up. It’s given me so much anxiety the last few days knowing I genuinely cannot purge or I will get sick again. I can’t purge. I feel so out of control and like I’ve lost a power or something. It’s not a great feeling. I can’t wait until Im done with them. 2 more days. 

 

17th Feb- 

First day back at work today. It went surprisingly well, I honestly had a great day. Just doom scrolled at the desk for most of the day, and the rest staring at glasses. I have a new plan that should stop me from passing out at work for at least the next few months. Or weeks. My plan is to have some of an ensure (1/6) of one in the morning before I go to work, to slightly spike my blood sugar so I don’t take a tumble for the hours Im at work. Today it kept me going until almost 4ish before I started getting dizzy. That’s better than the whole day. However since I’ve done this, I’ve broken Eds rules of NO eating before 6pm.Strictly never. No excuses. But since I now have broken that by having 40 calories of an ensure in the morning, Ed is angry. He’s not pleased. So now I can only drink ensures, no more yoghurt, no more fruit. And I can have one in the morning, one at night, so around 120 calories per day of ensure, along with no more than 3 rice cakes per day. That’s a total of 200 calories per day. How am I alive right now I actually don’t know. 

 

Anyway Im going to keep going until I quite literally get force fed so unfortunately this is like a real time spiral of doom. Watch live now. FML. .

 

 

18th Feb-

Feel like I haven’t written in here for ages. Today I purged for the first time since hospital. It was over 4 rice cakes. Made me feel too full. Then I decided I was going to throw up anyway so I had another 2, and went straight upstairs. Had work again today, made it through the whole day all right, kept getting waves of insane hunger so I walked around riverside markets on my breaks to smell the different foods. That’s helped a little bit. Lots of energy drinks though. Right next to where I work is a fresh choice and its like a market at the same time, and its so beautiful, there’s so many different types of foods and things to try, and I always spend ages looking at what I would buy when I was recovered and working here. There’s a cute little cafe in there as well, and they had this kumara salad that looked absolutely insane. Made me ravenous. I envy people who can just go up and order those foods and it not affect the rest of their days. For them, it’s just a grab and go lunch, simple and quick. For me its a grab and go lunch, except it takes about 30 minutes to calculate what I’m going to eat, (ie least cals), another 15 for eating (i’m a fast eater) and then the entire rest of the day, sometimes even week thinking about every bite that cost me. That simple lunch will ruin my mood, it will make me angry, and resentful, it will make me shrink into myself and into a pit of doom. So sometimes its just easier to smell those foods, imagine what ones I would eat, and then move on. 

 

I keep forgetting that this is an eating disorder diary, not a personal diary and I keep going to write about my days and things I saw but then forget this is meant to be about my eating disorder. Not about me. So I guess on that note I’ve gotten nothing else really to say. 

 

20th Feb- 

Today was a big day for ED. I reached a goal weight I wasn’t expecting to hit until next weekend. Ed is very happy. I feel happy. I almost feel like Im in euphoria all the time. I love my new job, it distracts me all day and I can just be myself and I love it. I don’t know how I have so much energy still though. I really don’t. I fucked up today, I completely forgot to have my ensure before work to help me get through the day. It wasn’t until my sister randomly messaged me asking what I’d eaten today so far that I realised I complerely forgot my ensure. I almost asked her to bring me one I was so dissapointed in myself. I’d been doing so good having one every morning before work. If Im going to be working full time I need energy in the morning, not just at night. But I fucked up today. It wont happen again tomorrow. I have one more day of work and then sunday off! Quite excited for that.

 

Tommorow night is my flatmates birthday party, where we are all drinking at her house. I am pretty terrified to be honest. I am so scared of drinking right now. And bless her heart she bought me a box of drinks, so now I can’t make up an excuse. I don’t know what to do. And there’s going to be food everywhere and Im going to get overwhelmed. Not to mention drunk of probably 1 drink and then freak out because of all the food and the people and just have a full blown panic attack. It’s happened before I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened again. Fuck my life. How do I go about this hm. How how how how how. Empty all the drinks and fill them with water?? Fucks sake. Im going to be drinking and it’s going to be a night. Honestly wish me luck. 

 

Im still waiting to hear back if I got into the degree I’ve applied for. I can’t remember if I’ve already talked about it but I’ve applied for a bachelors degree of social health and wellbeing, specialising in mental health and addiction. And it’s at an online university, so the whole course is online. Im really hoping I get in. The only downside is I’ve dropped out of my current university. Which means no more my doctor. I believe I’ve previously called her Allie. Allie has been my doctor throughout this entire experience. And now I can’t see her anymore, probably ever. I have my last appointment with her in a  week and a half. And I honestly feel sick thinking about it. Literally tearing up thinking about it. I don’t know how Im going to cope without her. She’s honestly the only person who knows absolutely everything, she’s my rock. I see her every week, she’s literally my saviour. And now I can’t see her again. I think Ed is going to take advantage of this, he’s going to put of me going to a new GP for a long long time. He’s not letting me let another in like he did with Allie.  But yeah anyway, moral of the story is I am absolutely devastated I am losing her, and I fear it may be my downfall. No good. 

 

 

22nd Feb.

So that night went as well as you’d hope. First I almost had a mental breakdown because everyone was trying to get me to skull a drink, and that was just a terrible idea for the state I am currently in and I was freaking the fuck out, then everyone kept trying to get me to eat, and I think a lot of people who thought I was doing well found out I was not at all doing well. To be fair, I don’t look quite right. I’ve lost like, let me check, almost 10kgs in the space of a month. Things have gone south for me very fast. So I think I just binged. Or whatever people call it. Just then. I just completely freaked out that Ive lost this weight way quicker than I was expecting and I need to slow it down now. So I just started eating. Mind you by that I mean 4 rice crackers and a few small crackers. But that is a lot for me. Ive been getting by on 2 yoghurts a day. Plus some sips of an ensure in the morning so I don’t have a glucose crash at work. So, today’s feels like woah. Im not going to purge it. I want to keep this down. I kind of need to. Im so locked in on not throwing up right now. So so so locked in. Headphones in and everything. Lock in. 

 

I went to see a girl I was in hospital with today, she works near me. It was so nice to see her, her eyebrows looked unreal I was like girl stop. Long days though. I worked on a sunday, that’s unheard of for me. That’s how you know Im loving the job. Today is day 6 of a 8 day work week. Can’t remember if I already talked about that. But wish me luck. Two more days. Got to stay standing. So this week is a huge festival in NZ, and of course I am going. However, I am slightly nervous because this festival obviously means drinking, and I just don’t enjoy drinking at the moment. It’s also definitely not great for me considering I was just in hospital getting pumped full of antibiotics, so Im not too sure what I am going to do about this situation. Either I go sober, which is super gay and party pooper vibes from me, don’t cancel me. Or, I drink and pray to god I don’t pass out in the middle of the festival. Unfortunately I think it’s going to have to be the second option for me. Which is just no good. 

 

You know what’s weird, is that lately Ive actually been happy. I genuinely feel happy. I go to work, and I love it there, and Im so happy walking around with a purpose again, and then I come home and probably not great but I have a sesh, get baked out of my mind, and hang out with my flatmates. I am actually living such a good life right now. If only I could just eat. The most basic principle in the whole world. But I just feel like when I do eat, Im no longer important. Im no longer someone people think about, Im kind of just there. I feel like I have no purpose, and I feel so lost and out of control. But when Im restricting, I feel so in control, so strong and like proud of myself. Like if I have a good day restricting, I feel actually proud of myself when I go to bed. I feel in control of myself. I feel safe. I know Ed will always be there when no one else is. You know what’s weird is that Ed actually went quiet around this one guy I met. Like genuinely he went quiet. When I’d first met him I hadn’t started purging yet, but I still managed to actually eat things like a butter chicken take out meal. That was insane for me. And Ed didn’t say a word. I remember everyone looking at me so proud of me and just happy, and he was just eating it like nothing was happening, clueless as to what had just happened. My first take out in years. So I have learnt from that that Ed can go quiet around certain people. He goes really quiet around my Dad. I feel like it goes quiet around masculine figures that have a strong presence. I don’t know. It’s never gone away around a girl before. If anything he gets louder and louder with girls. Screaming in my ear. 

 

I miss the girl I was 3 years ago. She was so happy. Genuinely happy. And free. I know I say that a lot, that I miss that version of me. I think I have an itchy bite on my forehead. SMH. How did that even happen, I really need to do some washing too. Fuck. I am like realllyyyyy running down. Im running purely on energy drinks, caffeine and yoghurt. Anyway. I got this 2 more days and then I have a day off. It’s gonna be awesome. Im going to sleep the entire day and not leave my room. Only to pee and that’s it. 

Maybe my new mission should be to find a strong masculine man. That could be my way of running away from Ed. But then what if I traumatise him when I tell him about it and he freaks out cos that’s way to much to deal with. That would be not good. Plus i’ve also currently still in my celibacy era, aka Ed wont let me see anyone because I currently look like a fat ugly huge whale. So yes that is me still a celibate girl. RIP insecurities. RIP my sex life also. Anyway this blog is definitely not about my sex life, my dad might read this one day. Hi dad. I love you tons and tons and im totally not stoned out of my mind right now. 

 

…….

 

 

 

 

25th Feb.

Right today’s been an interesting one. It’s my first day off in 8 days. Ive been relaxing and cleaning all day it’s been great. However, this morning i’ve really been feeling extremely lightheaded and weak, like I could pass out at any moment. So I kind of freaked out and had some yoghurt, and some rice cakes etc. Then I kept cleaning and I was also super stoned, you know I had to do a wake and bake on my day off, and anyway. I got done cleaning. And I came downstairs, and I was so hungry. So I had some crackers, some cottage cheese. Then I had some yoghurt. Then I stared and stared at the cake in the fridge that was there for my flatmates birthday. It looked so good. I’ll just try a little bit. It’ll be fine, I wont purge. I can’t purge. I have to keep this down. I hit a new low weight this morning for me, and I think it’s kind of what freaked me out too. I don’t want to pass out at electric ave if Ive lost weight way too fast. So I had some cake. I had some of it. And then I went to see if there was any of my favorite slice ever left. And there was. So I had 3 of those too. After that I paced the living room for a bit, and ran upstairs. 5 minutes later head was over the toilet for the next 30 minutes. That was the most painful long purge Ive ever experienced in my life. I started bleeding in my vomit and it was just a mess. Turns out don’t try and throw up slice, the condensed milk in it makes it really sticky and its incredibly painful and long to purge. So lesson learnt. 

 

But then that’s not all. I came back downstairs. And some some chocolate. And then I had a slice of a cake. A proper cut slice into a bowl slice of that cake. And now here I am typing in my room, and Ive kept it down. And I am freaking the fuck out. I just weighed myself and its jumped a whole kg from this morning. I immediately took like 4 laxatives and diuretics, and now Im in my bed trying to distract myself from purging again with some billie eilish tunes and getting even more stoned. Hell FML. Im lowkey very nervous for EA. The amount of people there, if Ive been purging or really badly restricting the day before and day off, I will be passing out in front of thousands of people. I cannot have that happen. And Im very much stressing. Im currently trying to convince Ed that this coming week is a write off, thursday friday saturday. These 3 days are a write off. I will not be losing weight again until at least monday morning, and I will probably have gained 1kg in the process. And Im trying to convince Ed it’s okay, but he’s getting some embarrassed of me. He thinks Im weak. So unsure. 

 

I had my appointment with my I guess case manager, at the good old eating disorder hospital yesterday morning. That was a no good appointment. I hadn’t seen him in 2 weeks because he’d been away, and in those 2 weeks he’s been away I have lost 5kg. He was not impressed. He asked me to put my name on the waitlist for the ward again, because at the rate im losing weight, Im going to be at the weight I was before I was hospitilised in 6 weeks. In a month and a bit. 2 months if I try and drag it out. 2 months is around about the waitlist for the ward so it would work pretty good. However since Im refusing to go back on the waitlist, he reckons we just wait for me to get admitted into public hospital for malnutrition, and then once Im medically stabilised I get transported to the eating disorder hospital, and stay there until Im weight restored. So yes that is currently the plan. I asked today, what is the plan because Im really feeling like there’s just no help here, I feel all by myself, no one knows the severity of what’s going on, and all my friends believe that I eat when I say I have, its just so isolating. He said that’s the plan. Wait for me to collapse, be admitted to hospital and hopefully they can save me. I said oh great! That’s just such a amazing plan. And then obviously he said Ill have to leave my job again at some point because I wont be able to maintain walking and standing up to sitting down vice versa, so yep this is just great. Life is falling apart yet again. This feels like a sick repeat from last year. Pretty similar timelines too. Amazing how did I land myself here yet again. Anyway. 

 

Some good news is that I believe I may have gotten into my online bachelors degree, which is quite exciting. I will be able to go onto campus and study and actually meet people again. I feel so isolated right now but I already said that. It’s no good. Oh well. Im getting some happiness from work at the moment, so that’s been great. I really hope I can stay there for a while longer, because I really love the job, and I hope that if I do have to leave for the hospital again, they would maybe let me leave and come back when Im better again. Although my old job did that for me for like 3 times and eventually they got sick of it and stopped taking me back. Which is fair enough, Im a liability. I hope this doesn’t go on for too much longer. I hope this time I next choose to recover it sticks. I really hope it does. I can’t be stuck in this cycle until im like 50 could you imagine. Fuck. 

 

 

1st March. 

Long time no write. Ive had an insane few days so I thought it’s probably best to document what’s been happening. Right so I haven’t really updated since my last day off, last wednesday. It’s now sunday night. Ive been stuck in this binge purge cycle for the last 5 days. I binge, then throw it up and do it again. This hasn’t happened to me ever in my ED never in my life have I fully been binging. But i’ve been like binging. Like im starving and I could eat anything and everything. Ive been eating cake, maccas, chocolate, pasta, it’s honestly like what the fuck nomes. Anyway. Tonight’s sunday night, tommorow is the start of a new week, and a fresh start. No more binges for me. Im locking back in on ED. I kind of let it slip a little this weekend because I knew I wouldn’t be able to control calorie intake with how much alcohol I’d be drinking at the festival, but now we are back to normal. Back to restriction and control. 

 

I had a really bad night last night. So on the friday of the festival, the first night, I had maccas. Then I proceeded to have cake, and then throw that all up. By the way fam, don’t ever try to throw up a big mac. It’s revolting. I think I was genuinely like gagging and throwing up at the same time. It was not a pretty sight. Then last night, again I had maccas when I got home. Everyone was getting it so I was going to get some too. And my goal for last night was to keep the maccas down right. So anyway, fast forward maybe 20 minutes after eating, I get overwhelmed with this soul crushing guilt of what Ive done, and start freaking the fuck out. It slowly begins with me telling my flatmate I need to be distracted like immediately with anything. That worked for about 10 minutes and then boom. I crashed out. I ran upstairs and tried to vomit, nothing was coming out I think I was too drunk to even try purge. I came back downstairs, went and sat outside in the freezing cold, and from then I blacked out. Apparently according to my flatmates I was covering my ears screaming and begging for it to stop. I remember my other flatmate bringing me my headphones so I could try drown ED out, and then my meds. I took so many sedatives holy shit. I needed one person, just any person to make ED quiet. And unfortunately the only people who make him quiet aren’t in my life anymore, so there wasn’t anything anyone could do. I was just rocking and screaming for about an hour until the meds kicked in. It was a rough one. Woke up this morning feeling like absolute shit. I could barely keep my eyes open at work today I was so drugged up, and just fuck me dead it was a rough day. Why I agreed to work a full shift on the day after electric ave idk but anyways. 

 

I had work, came home and had the overwhelming urge to eat food. Like proper dinner food. So I fought in my head about it for a little bit, and came to the conclusion I needed to eat one dinner before I started restricting again. So I went to the supermarket, got some salads, some frozen vegges and dumplings and I was good to go. Ended up sitting on the couch eating dumplings for dinner like a normal person. Having dinner. Haven’t done that in months. Sober anyway. Ive also run out of bud speaking of sobriety. It’s shit. Getting high is the only thing other than my medications that makes ED go away, and I hate taking my meds because they make me so so drowsy for days after. When Im high I can just relax and feel perfectly fine the next day. So Ive been out of that for a couple days which has been pretty shit to be honest. Just me and my feelings. Ive got work again all day tomorrow, but Im by myself out in Kaiapoi all day. So it’ll be pretty chill hopefully. I’ll just watch netflix all day. I can’t wait to start uni again. I love studying, Ive missed it so much. I feel like I don’t have a purpose in life when Im not studying, like I don’t achieve anything anymore. So im excited to have the feeling of purpose for the first time in a while. 

 

Im in a sad mood today. I just feel empty. And like hollow. Like the real me isn’t in here anymore. I just feel like im losing my spark again. I think last night showed everyone the severity of the voices in my head. They’re like that 24/7 last night I was just too drunk to fight it down. It’s so loud all the time. Im so tired. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just took a few too many pills. Or accidentally got into a car crash. I feel like death would be so peaceful. If there’s food in heaven just know Im turning into the biggest most fattest binge eater you’ve ever met in your life. No food is safe from me when I get up there. I miss having someone as well I think. I think when I had a guy by my side, I feel like Ed was less in control, because it kind of proved to him that someone still wanted me the way I looked even at whatever weight I was at. I can’t lie, what happened last month really shook me. Long story short, a person I was seeing for a while I ended up seeing him after I’d gained a good amount of weight from finally eating again, and I hadn’t seem him since before I’d started like eating again, or the first few weeks of it anyway. And when I saw him most recently I’d gained weight. And after I’d seen him he essentially just went ghost again. And then it was done. And immediately Ed took control again. 

he’s left you because your fat and disgusting. 

lose some weight and maybe you’ll have a chance again you fat pig

i told you this would happen when you start eating again

I wish that never happened. I wonder where I’d be right now if that never happened, if I never saw him and let that happen to me. I wonder if I’d still be eating and in a healthy place. Since then I havent been with anyone else. A) Im lowkey traumatised, and B) I just actually feels talking to people. Like I get on the dating apps for like a day when Im bored and then delete them again it’s such a waste of my time I hate them. I just want to meet someone authentically. Like the old days yk. Notebook style. Just not right now. I can’t put this whole thing on someone else. I tried making it work with my ex and it just didn’t. No one deserves to watch me go through this and watch me go in and out of hospital every few months when I just decide I don’t want food anymore. Like that’s just s scary life. I’d be living in a constant state of worry. Anyway. I think I just miss the comfort of having someone like hug me. Not even kiss or anything sexual literally just like a cuddle in bed in the rain watching a movie. Both stoned out of our minds. Honestly dream date right there. In fact funny story Im so deprived of like male comfort I guess Ive literally gone out and bought male smelling oils, and put them in a diffuser in my room so that I can sleep at night and pretend there’s someone there. Now you can insert the crying face emoji. That’s sickingly gross. LOL. Well anyway, I guess Ill try update tommorow how I go, hopefully I can manage to end this binge cycle and Ill be good. I just need 1 good day to snap out of it. And I stepped on the scales just before and um so I gained 4kg in 4 days. Yes I know that’s all water weight and blah blah BUT FOUR KGS. ARE YOU LYING. Anyway. Got some work to do. 

 

 

 

 

 

3rd March

Well. Last day with my GP today, lets just say its been a rough one. TBH I’m quite surprised I held that one together, I was fully expecting some tears at least but go me I guess. I held it together all day until my drive home from work and I kind of clocked I was going to need to find a new doctor. Someone who knows nothing about my story at all. And I’m kind of thinking I’m going to put this off for as long as humanely possible. Ceebs really. Anyway, had work today was a long day I got called in early so my day was longer than expected rip. I’ve got another 3 full days and then a day off. I got this surely. Only 3 more days. Stay standing nomes. I really believe the ensures in the morning are saving me. Giving me some sort of fuel before these shifts. Next 2 days i’m working between 2 stores which is going to be tiring travelling between 2 stores in one day. But slay my bank account. Atleast soon I’ll be able to invest in a proper eating disorder therapist like my current GP wanted me to do. 

 

4th March

Hmmmmm. It’s not going so great right now I shall admit. I fear I am working too much, not eating enough and Im getting déjà vu flashbacks from this time last year where I quite literally worked myself into a hospital admission. But regardless I am doing so anyways, and so far surviving. Working has been a great distraction. I am meeting so many cool people and Im actually quite happy about it to be honest. Im quite sad it might not last for very long. Lets see. At the right I was going up until last week I was losing 3kg a week. Now I would say Im losing maybe 1.5kg a week but its fluctuating a lot, I haven’t actually reached the same low weight I had last week again yet due to the weekend binge episode I had, which has really thrown me off. My purging has been so bad lately. 

 

Ive been eating dinners because I tell myself Im going to try to at least slow the weight loss down but it freaks me out when I don’t see the number go down so I just end up purging it all up, and its just a endless cycle every night. It’s getting tiring I must say. I feel like I should probably tell one of my managers about this whole thing because I do think it is probably important if I randomly take a tumble at work then they know why etc. But I get freaked out every time I go to talk to someone about it. It’s just so daunting I hate telling people. Yet all they need to do is stalk my tiktok and they’ll know everything. Im funny like that. An open book until it comes to a in person conversation about it and then I have to be honest about how Im really going and it’s just not going well at all. I haven’t weighed myself today yet. Im too scared. Im genuinely terrified of the number it’s going to be. It’s fucked. But Im going to weigh myself soon. And see what the damage is. Tomorrow I literally have no groceries left so I’ll have to get little things to tide me over that are safe foods for now. 

 

I keep going to sign up for a new GP, but every time I do I get to the signature part, freak out and close the tab. It’s like the 6th time Ive tried it tonight. I give up. So far Im still at my current GP im in denial rn. Crash out of the century. I’ve been in a surprisingly good mood today. Ive had like tons of energy. Well to be fair I did binge on bread right after purging everything up last night so that explains the energy. Sigh. Also can we talk about how world war 3 is lowkey unfolding right now. Why am I kind of stressed about it. Should I be texting my loved ones like what. Apparently the french have sent soldiers or something (don’t take my word for it) and lowkey my family is in europe so kind of stressing??? And like dubai airport being bombed wtfffffff. I cannot lie I am a bit nervous. It’s no good. Is this a good time to choose recovery so I can eat delicious foods before we all die anyway?

 

6th March.

What the absolute fuck is going on right now. What the absolute fuckery is happening. I am on a million different wavelengths right now. I hate this house. I feel so judged. I feel so fucking fat. Ive had so many binge, purge, recovery, purge, eat, purge episodes even I am now confused on what the fuck is happening.  So last night, essentially where this all started was I walked into my flatmates and his girlfriends room, and sat down with them to talk. My intention was to tell them about the thoughts in my head, and see if that made a difference, maybe by them validating me or telling me to eat idk. So anyway, told them about the thoughts in my head. About how one part of me really wanted to recover and really wanted to get better and stop being like this around food, and the other part of me does not want to recover at all because if I recover I no longer have a excuse for the way I am and for the things Ive done. Im so ashamed of myself honestly. Ive dropped out of uni so many times, Ive failed classes, Ive quit jobs, it’s actually a humiliation ritual at this point. How low can you go nomes. Anyway. So if I stay sick and unwell, I have an excuse for how I am right now. A grown adult working a high school job full time who’s tried and failed uni many times. But its okay though because she really struggles with her mental health, she has an eating disorder. And then its excusable. But not if Im recovered. No one care anymore when your recovered Ive noticed. I think that’s what I struggle with the most, when Im at my lowest weight and trying to recover Im struggling the least. But that’s when I get the most praise, and aid and suppport. It’s when I get to the high weights that I struggle the most, to the point of relapse every single time that no one cares anymore. How could I struggle with food when Im a normal weight though. It’s not possible. Not in this society. 

 

Ive had a rough 2 days. Let me spill it down. So last night after that chat, I got a wave of motivation to recover and I went to the supermarket. I get pasta for dinner, and some vegetarian sausages which I love, and some more snacks. I got home, ate said dinner and snacks and desert. I fell asleep straight away, and kept it all down. For the first time in months, I kept it all down for the first time in forever. And then I woke up this morning with a feeling of dread, knowing I had to eat some wet is for breakfast. I’d promised my flatmate the night before I would have weetbix when I woke up in the morning.And so I did, I forced myself too. And I was too embarrassed to weigh myself this morning due to the night before. However, halfway through doing my makeup, I realised I actually can’t do this anymore. I can’t do recovery Im not ready I can’t do it yet. And I freaked thee fuckkkkk out. I ran downstairs halfway through my contour, grabbed a huge big black bag and opened the fridge and grabbed my leftovers from the night before, grabbed my sausages, grabbed my snacks, then ran to my pantry, grabbed my chocolate cake I’d grabbed as a desert, threw that out, grabbed my rice cakes, my crackers, and ran outside and threw it all in the bin. And there you go. Went back upstairs and continued my make up like nothing happened. Oh but then I went to work. And fuck me let me tell you about work. 

 

I get to work, and mind you I absolutely love my job. I love love love it. The people I have met are amazing, and I just honestly feel like I might the right decision choosing this job. But anyway, Im working with a girl who I absolutely love. She is just an icon, I genuinely aspire to be her one day. She is so carefree, and mysterious, she’s so detached from life and focused only on what matters. She’s determined and she always gets what she wants. I genuinely believe she manifests good energy. Like every time Im around her I feel like absorb good energy and strong feminine energy. Anyway. Out of absolutely nowhere today, around the end of our shift and it was just us two at this point, she looks at me and she just goes so tell me. what’s your story. and I was like what? nothing I don’t really have a story. And she looks at me dead in the eyes and she goes, do you eat? no seriously do you eat? because everytime I see you I never see you eat and all I see you drink is that coke zero. do you have problems with food? And I was like actually stunned. I was actually shell shocked. No one had ever just clocked me out of the blue like that before. And I just spilled. I almost told her everything. And then boom next thing you know Im going to the sushi store to grab a mini sushi roll as a snack. And I eat it right there in front of her. And bless her heart I think she thinks she’s going to be able to cure me. Which kind of scares me because I don’t want to be cured. Ive tried to be cured many times and its never worked out for me, Im not doing it again. Im perfectly stable right now in my little bubble of restriction. 

 

Im ngl, Ive done quite well today according to ED. I think Ive broken my binge purge cycle. I didn’t overeat at all, I ate perfectly within and well below a deficit, I only purged once and that was some chocolate that was overeaten a bit but nothing too crazy just wanted it out of my system. And now Im in my room pretty stoned writing my blog and trying to dump all my thought down. It’s been a long one. Im still procrastinating finding a new doctor. TBH I can’t really this week anyway because Im NGL i'm so short on funds this week it’s not even funny. I have absolutely no money to spend at all, I can’t even afford food. Even if I wanted to go recovery I wouldn’t be able to until next pay check. I don’t actually know how Im going to get through to next week for food but we shall hope the best right. I really really reallyyyyyyy don’t want to dig into savings. Like if I do that is just a huge fat sigh from me. FML. 

 

 

Anyway. How else well am I doing. Well, boys wise absolutely nothing is happening. Ive been celibate what like almost 2 months now, I haven't even kissed anyone, talked to anyone its been just the most boring few months of my life. But low key peaceful. Im also still lowkey not over stuff that I should definitely move past from before I start getting involved with someone new. In also other news Im going to attempt to cut down on smoking for a bit because I really need to stop using that as a coping mechanism everyday to stop thinking about Ed. I really am going to try to cut way down. Anyway. I thought tomorrow would be a day off for me, but unfortunately it’s not going to be anymore. Ive been called into work kind off I offered but anyway Ive been asked if I could please come in for a bit to help out. And me being me unable to say no I said yep no worries at all. It’s going to be my 7th day in a row. I am exhausted. Not as bad as the 8 day week I did last week though. That one was killer. But now I get a day off on sunday which is nice. And im also working in my favorite mall which is right next to me so Im alright with that. Ill take it honestly it’ll be fun. It’ll go pretty fast surely. Sigh.

 

Im so nervous about tomorrow night. It’s my flatmates birthday party, and we are all going out for dinner and drinks, and I am absolutely terrified. I pray that everyone surely sticks to nibbles because then I can hide it better, if everyone starts getting dinner I am absolutely fucked. Fucked. However I will fuck up an espresso martini because those are just absolutely unreal, and fun fact models swear by them. 2 in 1, energy and alcohol. So I am excited for that. And to dress up a bit, get all nice and pretty. My face is pretty swollen right now from my binge yesterday, so Im hoping that goes down by tomorrow, but me purging about 30 minutes ago for a good 15 minutes definitely won’t help. Fuck. Anywaysssssssss. A good distraction from food tomorrow at work. And then I’ll go to paksave and try find some cheap yoghurt and hopefully that’ll get me through till wednesday. Hopefully. 

Probably going to log off for now. That’s enough writing for one night. I need to go shower and go to bed, I start early tomorrow. 

 

 

8th March.

mmmmmmmmmmm.mmmmm. yes yes. last night was a interesting one. don’t really know how to tackle this one but oh well. so last night was my best friends 21st, and naturally we were all going to get wasted. now rookie mistake #1, I hadn’t eaten anything of substance in the last 3 days. I had an ensure in the morning before work and forgot to have another one before we left because we were in a rush. Anyway, proceeded to have around 4 cocktails. Was feeling good feeling good, then I decided to down a bottle and a half of wine. Now the first two glasses I remember, everything after that is a blur. I woke up this morning in my bed, half in my pjs half in my outfit from last night, my phone next to me, vape missing and still face face of make up. I was absolutely freaking out. Mind you I blacked out from around I wanna say 8:30PM at the latest onwards. Everything after that I was black out I don’t remember a thing. I woke up this morning freaking out because I had no idea how I got home, who put me to bed, if I said anything bad, texted anyone (which yes I did) and I was freaking tf out. When my flatmate who was taking care of me last night woke up, I got him to tell me everything that happened. Apparently I passed out on the walk inside from the uber, in the living room, in a bed, and on a concrete parking lot. I was refusing to be left alone, forcing him and my other flatmate who was there to not leave me, and they were both cuddling me for ages because I yelled everytime they left. #embarrassing. Didn’t say anything terribly bad though, the only thing I said that was slightly on the line was me heart eyeing my flatmates cultural tattoo. Other than that I was behaved. Oh and I also apparently had a crying meltdown at the cocktail bar outside about how I have to find a new doctor! Again, embarrassing! Anyway.

 

Today’s been an interesting one. Woke up freaked out, got all the info, chatted to all 6 of my flatmates individually so around 3 hours later I got back up to my room, had a sesh. Then I deep cleaned my whole room. Pro tip don’t get bulimia guys. My toilet, was revolting. There was vomit running down the sides of the toilet to the floor, vomit stains all around the lid and splatters of it everywhere. It’s honestly disgusting and I cleaned my bathroom maybe a week ago. Anyway so I did that, then I had a shower and revived myself.  Now im in bed, got high again, had a wank which was lovely, and now im writing this. Forgot to mention I also just finished a binge episode which I havent had in like 4 days almost, I downed 2 bowls of cereal and chicken tenders. Purged maybe 5 minutes later. 5 minutes ago approximately. Ruined my effort cleaning my toilet. That was a long and painful purge. Not fab. 

 

Have a full week of work next week, monday-friday. At least I get 2 days off this time and Im only working 5 days. Ive been doing 7/8 day weeks lately. OMFG. I also forgot to mention yesterday at work at the mall I ran into my ex boyfriend. Like the long term one I broke up with because of ED, I bumped into him. Was a very interesting interaction. 

 

My phone actually needs to get taken off me when Im drinking, I turn into the soppiest most cringe MF, and all of a sudden crave male touch desperately. Im definitely going to stick to smoking for now on. Except I have another 21st next weekend also. Fuck me dead. Let’s see if I make it to town this time, last night I was ubering home at 9. And I was so keen to go to town as well. A boogie was calling my name but rip girl doesn’t know how to handle her alcohol clearly. 

 

 

10th March.

Fuck I was quite keen to get some thoughts down on here last night but I took my meds last night that just knock me out and I was asleep at like 9pm. Early night for me. Anyway it’s currently 10am, I succeeded in getting the day of work. So im in bed, writing. I missed my appointment this morning at the hospital, which is no good because now my case manager is on leave and I can’t see him for another month. And I probably wont be getting another doctor anytime soon so its looking like Im going to be completely medically and psychologically unsupervised for a month. While working full time, and Im currently in a full blown bulimia era where Im purging on average 3-4 times a day. A day.

 

I feel quite lonely these days. All my friends are getting into relationships, and everyone at my work is getting pregnant or in long term relationships and it’s just quite adorable and it’s making me kind of miss having that. Ive also kind of realised that I want to start having kids by the time im like 25-26, and be married by that time so I kind of need to get looking. One side of me is like hm maybe it would be helpful for my ED if I was with someone who loved me the way I was and didn’t mind I had trouble with food. Maybe it was almost be helpful enough to cure me and get me to eat. Cos that’s happened before so it could maybe happen again. However on the other hand I hate being looked at like they can cure me. Ive had people look at me with pity in their eyes before, and looking at me with determination like Im going to fix you. Im not a project. I can’t be fixed. It has to come from me. It’s just the look in their eyes of just im going to be the one to get you to finally eat. ugh. barf. 

 

 

Anyway. Plans today? Well great news my supplements arrived so my GP came in clutch getting those for me before I ran out. Bad news they got sent to my brothers house so I have to go pick them up, and also pick up my meds from CW. That’s my to do list. Other than that I also want to read a book, Ive got so many on my to do list I need to start reading again. It’s so peaceful for me. Hm what else. I guess lie in bed all day. It shall be fabulous.  

 

12th March.

 

my head is at war with itself. i feel like i’m drowning in my own mind. one second i want to eat and be recovered, next second i want to starve and be skin and bones and one second i want to binge on every food in the house and next second i’m over the toilet throwing it all up. its fucked in here. idk what to do. i’m fighting a losing battle idk how to help myself here. everythings getting so loud. work is the only place i can go to have a distraction. i go to work and i don’t think about ed all day. its so nice. i actually feel like i’ve got a break and i can just be myself and not have e don my brain. the second i step foot in the house i’m absolutely ravenous, all i can think about is food, all i can think about is restriction and purging, or recovery and eating, its so overwhelming. so i do the one thing that somewhat calms it all down. i take my meds, and i get baked. some may disagree with my methods but so far its been working for me. i’m feeling pretty okay today. ed’s not too loud, i’ve stuck to the usual meal plan so no need for ed to get loud really. the main thing that’s loud right now is the side of me that wants to eat and just wants to try recovery one last time. she’s being really loud lately. its hard to fight here, ed’s struggling. and i’m stuck in the middle. 

 

everyone at work has such a good relationship with food. its kind of adorable. they all always eat what they want, there’s always snacks and everyone’s always snacking during the shifts, its really adorable actually. it just makes me want to join in. like i want to be like them so bad. i want to be able to cook healthy foods for myself again and not purge it up after. i want to be able to snack because i can and because its yummy. like fuck. why can’t i just be like that without ed putting up such a fight. i wonder if there’s some sort of drug that would make ed permanently quiet. if there was sign me up. 

 

tonight everyone’s out for dinner at my flatmates families house for a flat family dinner, and guess where i am. yes yep on the couch by myself while they’re all there enjoying delicious food and having a fab time. but why nomes? why are u still at home? oh yeah so last week when this was planned, i originally said unfortunately no i’m not ready to have dinners yet, let alone in a social setting. maybe 2 days later id had a sudden change of mind that i was actually going to start eating again and was now in recovery again, so i went and said yep i am definitely coming for the dinner, for sure it’ll be great. yep i’m sure. nice one nomes. anyway i get up this morning, freak the fuck out about the fact we are supposed to go out and have a dinner, meaning i have to eat in front of people. so i go and craft a message essentially saying nope i can’t go anymore. i’m freaking out. and now here i am. sipping pepsi max which is quite nice tbf. anyways. 

 

send help. i need urgent help asap. i am not very well. maybe like a welfare check or something idk. lmfao. na ill push thru i’m a big girl. yeah na ed didn’t like that one. i’m a grown adult girl. 

 

 

13 March 

I fear this is getting really bad. Yesterday I restricted all day, went by on a few ensure scoops and some yoghurt. Today I woke up STARVING. And I decided again yep I want to eat I want to be in recovery, so Im getting ready and the usual spiral is happening, oooo yes Ill get a sweet treat for breakfast from the cafe near work, and 2 seconds later nope Im trying to lose weight snap out of it. And this goes back and forth the entire time I get ready. I really need to invest in some new bluetooth airpods that I can chuck in when Im getting ready in the morning. That tends to be when the voices are louder. I try drown them out with music from my speaker but I can’t have it loud at all because of my flatmates so it’s pretty useless. I really need to get those airpods asap. I can’t believe mine broke (i’ve had them for easily over 7 years). smh. 

 

Anyway I got to work, and my coworker who is slowly turning into a good friend, this is the one who called me out for not eating, anyway she gets to work with a thing of cookies, and it looks so good. Cookies covered in chocolate and she gives me one and raises her eyebrow. Like she knows I want to say no. So then I go fuck it and take one and eat it. And that’s fine. And then I slowly snack on lollies for the rest of the day like everyone else. Now lunchtime is where it got tricky. So at this point I was ready to go have some lunch, I had a plan to go to the upstairs sushi court where its quiet, get some sushi and sit down with headphones in which I really need to buy ASAP, and eat the sushi. and I would be perfectly fine. anyway, it got to my break. I walked around stores for a bit, did a bit of window shopping to postpone what I knew was coming. then I finally walked upstairs and started walking to the sushi store. as im walking there all of a sudden boom freak out nope im not eating that not a chance. and I force myself to keep walking anyway, and I go look at the sushi, and imagine the one i would get knowing id already decided there wasn’t a chance i was eating that. i looked probably quite sad. i genuinely felt sad. i was starving today. i walked back to work, finished my shift and came home. 

 

this is where the absolute shitshow begins. welcome to the life of a bulimic/anorexic, a disorder people glamorise and wish they could have. welcome to my afternoon. 

i got home from work, and decided I was hungry. but no I was going to hold out until later. I didn’t deserve food just yet, after all I’d had that cookie at work to ease my coworkers mind. so I hung out with the girls instead, then got changed and had some ensure cos I felt a bit ill, and went back up to my room to have a sesh. 

 

so far so good right. i came back down, decided i was hungry. im going to make that tortellini and pesto sauce pasta i bought the other day but never made. and then im going to do a quick supermarket order for some cereals and stuff i can have as easy deserts. make my pasta. then my friend comes over who i had plans to sesh with tonight, so i end up keeping that down. we go outside for ages so no chance of purging much of that anyway. i came back in, and everyone had decided we were going to order pizza. now this is where the fun begins. obviously i want pizza. i love pizza. so yes, i order myself a pizza. fast forward i’ve demolished a whole pizza. yes to preface i was hungry. now just to preface, i had told these 2 flatmates specifically about the cycle i was currently stuck in, my restrict/binge/purge cycle, and how it was really bad at the moment. now mind you, shed just seen me eat a whole dominos pizza, and then down an entire glass of pepsi, which for me is one of my warning signs which the girls know about. if i start drinking a lot of liquid straight after a meal, im about to go purge. and she knows that. so im sitting downstairs, 5 minutes later after my pizza, and im really battling the urge to keep this down. i really want to, but im really battling. its about 10 minutes of me sitting there in silence deciding whether or not i purge, and silently fighting in my head. 

 

anyway i lost the battle. i turn to said flatmate, and i say is it too early for me to go up and have a shower kind of asking permission because obviously if im leaving that close after a meal i mean come on. anyway, she just goes i mean no of course not, but would you come back down after? so yeah anyway, humbled immediately. thought people actually kind of knew me a little better but anyway. long story short, ran upstairs and spent the next i wanna say 10 minutes just gagging over the toilet and it was honestly feral. blood was running down my knuckles, pizza was coming out my nose, i was shaking all over, i was actually throwing up for so long that i threw up some of the pasta i’d eaten well over an hour before hand, the vomit was so intense it clogged my whole toilet after, i stepped back after and there’s vomit running down all sides of the toilet and staining the insides of my toilet bowl,. its a sight. i look fucked. snot everywhere blood everywhere vomit all over my face and im shaking and can’t see straight and i just need someone to come and see that im not okay. i don’t even know why i bother locking my door when i go throw up now. its never been knocked at. no one knows. or they know and don’t care, or try. 

 

following this purge, i lie down on the bed for a bed, because im feeling faint as fuck, but obviously the only thing i care about is the number on the scale. so i go weigh myself and im content with it. but then i start feeling sick. and lightheaded and weak. and i remember ooo i’ve got cereal and yoghurt downstairs. ill go make that. so i do. with some chocolate on the top and almond milk and its delicious. so i have another bowl. and then i have a third bowl. and immediately after the third bowl im just sitting on my phone watching tiktok, and trying to distract myself, and then i see a reel about these people stepping on these huge scales to weigh themselves before they go into a restaurant or something, and i sit up, skull back half a litre of water and run to the bathroom. and fuck me i am there for a good 20 minutes. this just happened also. pro tip don’t throw up chocolate when its combined with the HCI acid in your stomach it stains your toilet when it comes back up. like actually stains it. 

 

now im sitting in my bed again, i feel sick and shaky. i need to keep some sort of food down today. unfortunately i have come to the unfortunate realisation that i don’t know how to eat anymore. either its complete restriction and i don’t eat anything and anything i do eat is strictly in my meal plan, or its i get hungry so i eat, and then i just keep eating and it turns into a binge and then i throw it up. i actually couldn’t tell you the last time i ate to a comfortable fullness and felt satisfied. nope now i have to eat until i actually can’t move my stomach anymore, run to the bathroom  and destroy myself over the toilet to get rid of it all. its such a toxic cycle and i don’t know how to get out of it. i have no support during the day. i don’t want to eat at breakfast, i don’t like feeling full in the morning before work. and then when im at work, i go to have my lunch and im by myself i just freak out and abandon ship. no one’s there to push me to try. and then dinner most nights everyone just watches me binge and then disappear upstairs for hours clearly purging it all up. and the other nights where im just not eating at all and im just on the ensures, no one offers to have one with me, and try to do more scoops with me. you know. like im just by myself. i actually don’t know if i can fight this by myself. 

 

hmmm what to do what to do. i probably right now should tryyyyy and eat just one thing atleast. just one small thing because right now i feel like i could pass out. rip my electrolytes. speaking of i really need to go and get a blood test asap, i still havent done that and havent done one in like 3 weeks now. and i also haven’t transferred to a new clinic yet. i was gonna do them tommorow but tommorow me and my flatmates are having a tattoo day. well specifically im getting a new tattoo and they’re coming with me, except one other flatmate also wants a tattoo too so now its like a fun tattoo date. cute. then i believe im going out tomorrow night. i’ve got an outfit planned, but it depends how i feel tomorrow because ngl i feel quite sick rn my throat hurts. so well see. but if all goes well im supposed to be having a boogie tommorow night at my favorite place. will update. xoxo

 

 

18th March.

Right. I think I know what’s wrong with me. fucks sake my keyboard is malfunctioning I cannot type at all. RIP.

 

Same day but way later at night and i'm on my phone because my ipad keyboard has decided to shit itself and now i can't express my feelings to my only outlet. smh im so dramatic but anyway.

 

so according to my last diary entry (by the way im reading it and i have zero recollection of this ever happening. its insane how my mind can block out traumatic events like that. i have faint blurs of yes that definitely happened but other than that no solid memories of the night. anyway, according to that, i was stuck in this terrible restrict binge purge cycle. it was shit. you know what it has been shit. i've been stuck on it ever since the week of electric ave. all of a sudden boom insane binges insane purging its been fucked. 

last 3-4 days i've been good. i've completely locked out of that cycle. monday i had some sips of a ensure, then a bowl of cereal for dinner. just 1, and it didn't turn into a binge of i'm going to eat 5 bowls because im starving and then im going to feel to full and im going to throw it all up. i just had 1 bowl, ignored the urges to have more, went up to my room and that was that. i was quite proud of myself tbh. 

 

tuesday was worse yesterday, i had the equivalent of 1 ensure and that was it all day. today i've had the equivalent of 1 ensure and 2 small bowls of cereal. i felt like i kind of needed to eat something before i go work in a huge mall for days on end or ill definitely be hitting the floor at some point. 

 

good news is last sunday was my sisters birthday, and i managed to go out for breakfast with her and my brother, and have french toast with all of them. it was really nice, and it stayed down after, i didn't rush to go home, i asked if we could wait a bit at the cafe so id have more time to digest if i did get home and freak out, and i ended up delaying enough time to the point where i just kept it down. i was so proud of myself tbh. 

second good news is i managed to get some more ensure from my GP, she came in clutch. speaking of no i still haven't found a new GP, and yes i still don't have another appt at the hospital for another 3 weeks because yes my psychiatrist is on holiday. it's a no good situation really. every day i get more and more triggered. i got so badly triggered at work today, and poor girl who i was with with who i absolutely love had no idea she could have said something bad, but godamn wow did it eliminate any motivation to eat food for lunch today. 

 

i wish i had a little support person that followed me every where. in a ideal world, they'd come with me to help me pick out the lunch and meals and order it with me, and wait with me. the eating parts easy for me, i love the taste of the food, and by then i've allready accepted im gonna have to eat. it's just every day i try to go to food courts, and quiet cafes and literally anywhere that does anything. i walk up. stars at the food, if it's just menus i immediately walk out. i can't order a meal out loud what the fuck and wait for it are you joking. what am i a dog waiting to be fed. ew. i only keep walking into the stores that have displays of food, like sushi, or bakery/deli items etc. 

 

i walk around, inspect it all. look at it for a long time. wait for an invisible someone to come in and say you can do it nomes. you can order this food. it's just food. but no one comes and it's just me, in my head staring blankly at the food while ed is in my head cackling. then i walk out. and go back to walking around like that never happened, and the process repeats itself for about 30 minutes of my break, until i give up and go sit in the car for the rest of it. it's just fucked really.

 

hm. when was my last purge. i actually think it may have been sunday. sundays purge was diabolical. that was at night. i had been so hungry. rightfully so i am starved. anyway no need to go into it. 

 

im going to bed now. 

 

 

21 March. 

 

So I still can't type on my ipad cos my stupid keyboard is still broken fml hence my disappearance or me not being as active. Things are noooo good at the moment. no good is a under statement. i'm finally having a day off tomorrow im so excited. it's almost midnight on a saturday night right now and im in bed watching movies alone 😂. oh how things turn (ed won't let me see anyone until im skinny enough quote on quote) but anyway. 

 

Im fighting an urge to eat  right now, or be good and keep starving. so far i'm starving. i'm home alone, so technically it's the perfect opportunity for a binge and purge, but i just really can't be bothered purging and therefore if i do eat i feel like it'll just get stuck in my stomach and boom ill wake up tomorrow and feel like shit all day. avoid eye contact with the scale. overdose on laxatives. 

oh yeah let's delve into my laxative abuse lately. it's um.......... not great. i believe i've had 16 today? and yesterday mind you i had a ensure supplement drink, and a bowl of yoghurt.... 

its habit now. i take them morning and night, more regularly than i take my meds. which is bad. i haven't taken my meds in days. i'm so bad at it. i need to lock in.  on that note im gonna go take them. 

other than that no update. i'm lonely asf, dead inside, probably the most depressed i've ever been in my entire life and most insecure i've ever been in my entire life. so there you go. slay me. the only time i feel somewhat confident is at work. i feel like i serve girl boss at work. 

 

anyways, ill get a new keyboard for my ipad soon, but for now it might just be delayed entires. i'll try my best though. 

 

23rd March. 

IDK how to eat anymore. no seriously. yesterday was my first day off in 6 days. i had a horrific night on saturday night ended up crying to all mg flatmates about how upset and sad i was and how much i was struggling. didn't end up going out, and ended up sleeping until 1pm on sunday. woke up for maybe 2 hours, then back to bed until 7am this morning. those 2 hours i was awake, i was absolutely ravenous, i hadn't eaten in days, and i decided to order food. i had katsubi cos my flatmate was having it, and it looked good. i ordered it, and ate it upstairs in my room, and it was delicious. then maybe 10 minutes later i decided yeah na i didn't want that in my stomach, i went immediately to the bathroom and threw the whole lot up. can i just say throwing up salty foods, is the most unpleasant thing in the world. it was actually fucked. why i way prefer throwing up sweet shit. 

 

then i went straight back to bed and woke back up at 11pm. i went to sit up to put my candles out and i just remember going sooo light headed and falling back onto my bed. i hadn't kept any food down in days. my blood sugar must have been so low. i tried to force myself to stand up to get an ensure, but i just remember passing out on my bed. i rolled over and slept straight till 7am this morning. in a huge rush for work, was absolutely starving by the time i got there, had an ensure ( i bought a tin of ensure powder to work) and it helped so much. i was so lightheaded it was actually fucked. i was in such a rush i got halfway down the road and forgot fuck i forgot nipple tape, and because i refuse to wear bras i have to wear nipple tape or it'll for sure get comments so i have to sprint back down the road, up the stairs and up to my room, and i genuinely saw stars i was like fuck this is why i never let myself sleep in. i can't be in a rush like that. 

 

work was fine. i had 4 coffees, was feeling quite under the weather, thought about going home sick but pushed through. next day off is saturday, so just have to push through 4 more days. 

let's briefly talk about the next 2 days for starters. tommorow and wednesday i have a training day, where morning tea and lunch!!! is supplied on them! and we will all be sitting down and eating lunch together. omg yes how amazing except i could think of nothing worse and the fact that this is a panic attack waiting to happen. this is literally a anxiety meltdown waiting to happen. i'm freaking out now. and too top this all off, on wednesday night, after allready a shared morning tea and lunch, we are all gathering for a fun training at night, where we all share pizza and sit down for dinner. with all the staff members who don't know i'm sick and who will clock somethings off on wednesday night. i'm very much contemplating calling in sick with something for the next 2 days. im actually terrified. it's no good. 

 

 

 

too add to this. i was scrolling on tiktok, and this lovely girl came up on my tiktok and she had been in the ward just before i had been admitted. one of the pictures on her post was a picture of the post meal room, with the uncomfortable cold couches and TV and the table with games on it. I stared at that picture for so long. i stared at that picture for so long and genuinely felt the urge to throw up. i would rather die than go back there ever. i hate that thought. i can't. but why can't i fight the urge to not eat. to get sicker. i want to eat to bad. i want to eat. i'm so hungry. 

 

i can't go back there. i actually can't. 

 

 

 

28th March. 

 

um yeah. the training days were as bad as u could have imagined. i ended up not going to the second one due to how bad it was. long story.

 

im fucked. i'm in a terrible cycle. i eat and i throw up. and i hate throwing up. it's the worst feeling in the world but i can't help it. it's like i just have too after eating anything. i feel so unsafe without it. i don't know how to feel safe after eating to the pijnt i don't purge. i just don't know.

im so tired. last like month now ive been deep in the bulimia cycle. first month it was anorexia, and i was losing like 2 kgs every 5 days. now its full blown bulimia and i've lost maybe 2 kgs in a month. it's fucked. slowed way down. my digestive system is fucked. i need to go back to the anorexic cycle and lock in. i'm sick of throwing up.

 

orher option is i be normal and eat. um yeah every time i try this i end up binging cos im so hungry idk how to stop eating until im so full i just have to throw up. it's either complete restriction or binge and just a horrific purge after. mess everywhere blood on my knuckles mucus and vomit running don the toilet to the floor and all over my sink. it's fucked and it reeks. so i'm scared to try eat normally. i have no one to eat normally with. i can't eat with anyone i hate eating wth anyone else around me. then it's unsafe because i can't purge if i need too. i have to eat alone.

 

im stuck in this cycle and idk how to get out of it. 

 

 

 

29th march. 

 

erm i was abt to do something and i forgot. i have to confess something. so we know how i am bulimic yes old news, and with bulimia comes purging after meals correct. purging is either vomiting, or laxative abuse. i unfortunately suffer from both of these purging methods. for the last i want to say month now ive been stuck in a bulimic cycle of binge purge, and with that i've been vomiting probably 3-4 times a day on average. along with that i have been abusing laxatives. but um its got bad. i was gonna say its getting bad but its way past that now its just severely bad. 

i've easily had over 30 maybe 35 laxatives in the last 24 hours. i by habit tip the packet in my hand every morning and night and let around 10-15 slip in every time. And i just take those on empty stomach in morning, and at night usually after a binge followed by me vomiting it up and then taking around 15 laxatives to clear the rest out of my system quicker so my weight will drop faster. i've been doing this for around a month now. purging a month, laxative abuse to this extent only the last 3-4 ish weeks. but it's become a addiction, i like have to take them. it's not great. 

 

erm what else. oh!! 

so last night i opened up to my motherrrr...... (bad idea wtf was i even thinking) but anyway. opened up to her and said 

hi mum. i've been meaning to talk to you lately but i haven't been able to share yet, but im really struggling with my ED atm and ive tried to fix it by myself for over 2 months now and im getting nowhere. i need a proper therapist who can help me. i need support. 

now i feel like this was a great message. in other words that's me trying to scream to my mother I NEED HELP. 

do u know what her response was???? no i bet you don't i genuinely bet you don't. you fully can't guess. well unless ur my sister or my old GP or my old situationship but other than that na u couldn't. she replies 

i'm in a course please message dad.

oh! okay cool. i calmly replied with 

ur course started 1 minute ago. i'm trying to open up to you but nevermind, don't worry about it. 

she replies 

it's not all about you sorry.

 

okay. okay coooooool mean mean mean. so anyway i shut down and liked the message and have left it. i was genuinely tempted to block her after that. like my finger was hovering over the block button. 

 

i genuinely can't believe i held it together enough to go out for drinks after that, cos this happened before i was going out. then this morning i had a pretty bad fight with my dad and almost cried at work. i was upset with him for not checking on me when id told him i was struggling a month ago and ever since i haven't heard from him. i've sent him photos of what im doing, updates on text and he just leaves me on read for a whole month. i was so pissed and he obviously sweet talks his way out of it and obviously i forgive him immediately and tell him i miss him and i just need him here and fold. hes honestly my weak spot. i dont think id ever love someone like i love my dad. anyway blah haven't talked to mum since. don't think ill be reaching out to her anytime soon. i really need to get looking for a new GP. i'm also meant to have an appointment with my case manager of the hospital this week but i've been rostered on work that day so rip can't go (haven't seen him in over a month it's detrimental to not go lowkey) 

 

anyways. no good. i'll reschedule to next week it'll be fine. i've got days off next week. 

 

 

30th march... 

so.... later last night, after i wrote on here i had a long as fuck conversation in which i confessed absolutely everything that's been happening this last 2 months. like absolutely everything. it was fucked. every time i share the bad parts of my life with him i feel so bad because every time i share something he just looks older and more in pain. it's just sad, it honestly makes me sadder telling him than talking to him abt it. that's why i get so upset. 

classic my dad, he goes immediately into how can i fix this mode. immediately coming up with a plan, coming up with solutions and goals for me to have. i usually go along with them, because i just feel bad. he thinks he can fix me. it's just sad now. if he could fix me don't u think it would have been done by now? if it was easy don't you think i would have done it by now? do u not think me having a panic attack over a bowl of pasta i asked my dad to make me, with him praying on the ground next to me begging god to remove the demon from my head. yeah that actually happened. honestly wish it worked tbh. 

 

but u get the vibes. he wants to fix me. he thinks he can make me better. he just doesn't get that he can't. he can't do anything. he can't do anything other than just check in on me and keep updated with what i'm up to so i don't feel so alone. other than that unfortunately it's me and my head. i'm in this war alone unfortunately. 

 

anyway so last night after i had this call with my father, i decided to give him the link to this blog. which was huge. so yes hello papa, please brush over the things u don't want to read. but yes i gave him the link, and so now this site has its first  visitor. 

 

7th april. 

long time no see. been pretty busy with work atm and ive been trying to force myself to leave the house more on weekends and go out to meet people cos i feel so like introverted atm it's fucked. anyway that's a whole other story. so i've been busy. whats the updates.... 

right im starting a new degree in june, and ive decided to drop the other degree i was going to start. i'm now studying under a bachelor of arts in psychology which im so excited for. i can't wait. and ofc im doing it distance. 

then another update i guess work is going really well i absolutely love it there, ive finally signed up to a new GP. finally. so hopefully next week ill have my first appointment there cos i still haven't gone to get my blood tests done yet... should have done that today actually but oh well. 

i think that's really it. family updates, currently not talking to my mum or my sister... so yes life is not great regarding that but let's not talk about it or i'll cry. 

right into the nitty gritty of this entry. how is my bulimia going. well. it's been very up and down. it stabilised for a few days after i told my dad about what was happening, i went from making myself sick 3-4 times a day to only once or none even. however i was just back in the anorexia every time that happened, i was only not purging because i also wasn't eating anything. today's probably the worst day ive had in a week or so. purged 2 times and took too many laxatives for the first time in a while. i had the day off work and i was spending it baking for my flatmates birthday tmr, and i knew that was gonna be a huge trigger for me, so obviously when i was baking i held myself back at the start, but eventually i had a taste to make sure it was good and what not. 

 

anyway i had a good amount, and just decided i was gonna purge that up. no one likes a fattie lol. so i calmly put the cookies in the oven and the tiramisu in the fridge. walked upstairs to my room, locked my door, turned on my speaker. did a few laps around my room trynna see if i could talk myself out of it but na not a chance. chucked my vape on charge, may as well get a charge out of it, and walk myself with my phone and speaker in the bathroom. set the speaker up on the toilet and turn it up max volume so i can't, and no one else can hear me. 

and essentially enter a different world. in that purge i was imaging myself in this music video of the song that was playing while i was throwing up as a distraction. 

came back downstairs and yeah so the cookies were burnt. oh well i put another batch on. 

a few hours later around dinner time, im really craving sushi. i'm reallyyyy craving sushi. i say to my flatmate, im really craving sushi. he goes well then get sushi. and i was like yeah yk what i can do that. it's one dinner. and it's small it's just sushi. u can't binge on sushi. and i'll eat it with my flatmate so i definitely can't binge and i can distract myself for a bit after. so i got some sushi. a normal tray, 8 pieces of teriyaki chicken sushi. i ended up only having 5 because i was feeling quite full, and i really wanted to try listen to my body and not get to the point of being too full, i really didn't want to trigger a purge. 

so i stopped eating and offered the rest to my flatmate straight away so again, it would be gone and i couldn't physically binge on it. i genuinely took all the precautions possible. i was so safe this time. i locked in. anyway i went upstairs maybe 10 minutes after all this just to blow balloons up for my flatmates birthday and fill her room with them for tmr morning. i do that, takes about 10 minutes. i walk back to my room. and look in my mirror for a bit. i stare at my face and just all of a sudden hear Ed visibly in my head your face gets fatter every time u eat its actually disgusting 

so fun fact if i feel or see that my face is getting chubbier or 'fatter' that is my all time biggest trigger to purge. if im happy and content with my meal and i genuinely feel confident in keeping it down, all i need is one single stray thought to cross my mind of how my face gets when i put on weight. and immediately i freak out, and run to the bathroom.

 

so anyway back to today, ed said that and straight away yeah i was again making myself sick. then i went for a drive which was nice. helped me distract myself for a bit. 

 

i think my mental health is getting really bad. i've never really thought mental health could have this much of a impact on someone. i like genuinely can't keep track of what day it is, i have the most insane brain fog, i hate leaving the house on days i don't have work, and all i do is rot in bed all day instead of going out for walks like i used to do. even last year when i was sicker than i am now i was still gyming every morning and studying all day and getting ready and doing shit. i just have no motivation. i genuinely find no joy in anything anymore. i feel like a bit of a shell, like im there but not really. i'm good at putting a face on though. you wouldn't know every day is a struggle to smile through the thoughts running through my mind. i think for some reason i'm still waiting to be saved. for some reason i think the little girl inside of me just wants to be saved. she wants someone to come save her and  teach her how to be okay eating again. normally. but i can't keep waiting i know, i have to myself. i know...

lately ive been crashing out. i think im a bad person. i think some people look at me and think im a bad person. i looked at my insta the other day and saw my ex had unfollowed me on insta AGAIN, and i just immediately spiralled like oh my god he just totally thinks im a bad person (last time i saw him i kinda lowkey iced him out cos i just wasn't interested in talking to him at all... this was the other day...)  and he clearly didn't take it well. but i just don't mean it like that. i just genuinely don't care. like i actually don't. like honest to god i do not. and now i think he thinks im a bad person cos i just do not care anymore, and its kind of upset me. like i wonder how many other people think im a bad person. maybe my ex best friend??? like fuck. my sister?? my parents?? anyway. that's my current crash out which is causing me to really spiral. 

 

 

hopefully in my next entry im on speaking terms with my sister, or if im not that's a really fat rip to the mental health again.